I'm With Her - A Story on Sexuality

Thank you all so much for your excitement about the start of I'm With Her! If you missed the intro, back up and read this first. I am thrilled to introduce you to my friend Kat, a Portland interior designer (if you know me at all, you can see why I love her already) who has beautifully navigated a season in her life that - at one time - she wasn't sure she'd make it out of. I'm honored to kick off the series with such a loving lady and hope you're as inspired by her boldness as I am.

Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m a 29 year old Georgia native living in Portland, OR by way of Vermont. My dad is a Methodist minister and my mom always sang in the choir, so church was at the heart of my upbringing and the epicenter of my social life. I recently left the advertising world after discovering my enthusiasm and, well, downright obsession of interior design to start my own home staging and interior design business, Copeland + Co. I don’t believe there’s anything a glass of Pinot Noir, a trip to the dog park, or a long ride on my Harley can’t cure. I also think every conversation should be had over a tasty treat and that laughter is the. best. medicine.

Have you previously been in heterosexual relationships? If so, can you describe how you felt in them (self confidence, fulfillment, attraction, frustration, confusion, etc.)?

I don’t think I can truthfully say I’ve been in a “relationship” with a man. I had short-term boyfriends in high school, but those relationships weren’t necessarily romantic considering my religious upbringing and I don’t remember ever being consumed by my feelings for any one person. My feelings never progressed beyond crushes and if a guy liked me too much, I immediately felt smothered, grossed out and ready to bail. In college I attempted romantic relationships with men thinking I just hadn’t met the right one, but they were perfunctory and no amount of alcohol made me comfortable enough.

Do you remember first recognizing that your sexuality may not be in line with what was expected of you? How old were you? Describe life for you at that time.

When I was twelve years old, my best friend landed her first real boyfriend. She stopped passing me notes in class and walking arm-in-arm with me down the halls, and instead opted to write him love notes and hold his hand between classes. I remember being overcome with jealousy, a feeling that I wasn’t terribly familiar with at that age. I didn’t have the wherewithal to identify the source of those feelings, but I did know enough to go straight home and pray that they would go away.

When did you first begin to explore your true sexuality?

At a party during my freshman year of college (where I was still unsure of my boundaries when it came to drinking), a redhead from Maine cornered me on her boyfriend’s balcony where she proceeded to lay one on me. I wasn’t sure if my knees were going to buckle because of the bottom-shelf tequila or the fact that a woman had kissed me, but it sent me flailing into a storm of emotions, the strongest of which was shame. Long story short, that was the beginning of two and a half year relationship that was kept quiet for the majority of its duration.

How were you feeling physically and emotionally at the time? (strong, confused, frustrated, ashamed, alone, supported, celebrated)?

On any given day I would go from scream-sobbing on the floor in complete brokenness begging God for forgiveness to feeling immortal and on top of the world. It was the most confusing and exciting time of my life; I had finally discovered what people write poetry and love songs about, but I was going against everything I had been taught about being a faithful servant of Jesus.

How did the above feelings manifest in the other areas of your life (school, job, family, passions, talent, etc.)?

I made it through college relatively unscathed because I was able to chalk my feelings up to a phase, but things really took a turn after I graduated. As it became increasingly clear that I wasn’t getting any straighter, I immersed myself in the party scene to escape the realization that this was something I was going to have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I distanced myself from the church because I was ashamed. I don’t think I spiraled out of control, but I made a lot of mistakes and failed miserably at trying to fill the holes in my heart with everything but the kitchen sink. On the flipside, I spent a good deal of time making music. I’m pretty sure I’ve already written the best songs of my life in those few very closeted (and very drunk) years.

Did you confide your self-realizations to anyone? If so, who and when?

Those who know me at all, you know I can’t keep a darn thing inside before it comes out sideways. All of my friends from high school and college were supportive - being the open-minded millennials that they are - but telling my family was a whole different ballgame.

What were their reactions?

I love my family and I so appreciate how my coming out has deepened our relationships beyond what I ever thought possible, but I would be lying if I said their initial reactions were positive. It’s tough, you know, to believe with your whole heart that homosexuality is a sin and then have your daughter/sister/niece/granddaughter tell you it’s exactly the lifestyle they’ve “chosen.” I can’t blame them for being shocked or sad or grossed out or confused; however, each and every member of my family has figured out a way to push past tolerance to true understanding and compassion. My sexuality has forced us to ask the hard questions and wrestle with God over the things we don’t understand. All of this pushing and pulling is constantly bettering us. I think most of them still believe that it’s a sin, but I’m just so grateful that my parents can love me through it without exception.

When did you truly embrace your sexuality? How old were you?

I can honestly say that I didn’t truly and wholly embrace my sexuality until last year, at the ripe age of 28. Up until that point, my sexuality was a struggle - a thorn in my side that I would have to wrestle with every living minute.

What was that acceptance like emotionally for you? Freeing, scary?

I was so hung up on praying to be straight that I missed out on what God had really intended for my life. Once I realized that my identity, my worth and my purpose are in Him, suddenly it didn’t matter if I liked guys or girls. It was unequivocally liberating. I could get back to what really matters and stop worrying about whether or not I’m called to be in a relationship - gay or straight!

Since then, have you come out publicly?

I supposed you could say that. I don’t shout from the rooftops that I’m gay because it’s only one of the many things that I am, but I don’t shy away from it when it comes up. I’m proud of my struggle and I’m proud of my life.

If so, what were your family and friend's reactions?

It’s insanely difficult to say to your parents, whom you love and respect so deeply, that you agree to disagree on a deep-seated Biblical belief. Their opinions carry more weight than anyone’s, and that’s been my problem all along. My dad did the right thing by warning me of my sin according to his interpretation of the Bible; I love and respect him so much for caring about the quality of my spiritual life. I also respect his opinion and his communion with God, but once I realized that the only opinion that really matters is God’s...well, I finally felt free.

Is there a specific reaction (supportive or otherwise) that sticks out in your memory?

I called my dad after college to tell him that I thought - but mostly knew - I might be gay. I was hyperventilating so much that he thought someone had died. After a hot mess of stuttering and stammering, I finally managed to choke out the words “I’m sorry, but I’m gay.” He sort of laughed and said, “Is that all?” After I realized he wasn’t upset at all, his reaction gave me instant perspective; if being gay is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, I am beyond blessed.

What are some fears or struggles you faced (or are still facing) during the process?

Being the people pleaser that I am, I’m always a bit fearful of telling someone new that I’m gay and no longer wrestling with it, especially at church. I also know that negative reactions are just a symptom of fear and misunderstanding and I look forward to digging into those tough conversations about God and love and marriage and sex.

What/who was your “saving grace” in those struggles?

I found encouragement in many forms from pastors to music to gay advocates to wine-drenched evenings with my best friends, but nothing really made me feel more like myself than when I started to explore my enthusiasm for interior design and styling. Creating beautiful spaces is my ministry; it’s how I love on people. I feel the like the most authentic version of myself when I’m styling someone’s shelves or setting the table for a dinner party, and the expectation that it creates a little bit more beauty in someone’s life fills me up.

Are you currently in a relationship and/or married? If so, for how long? Describe that relationship.

I’m currently engaged (!!!) to my partner of three years. I won’t bore you with all the details - I’m just so excited about her and all the things she’s doing in her life. I’m so humbled I get to be a part of all that she’s accomplishing and so grateful that she’s chosen to support me in my endeavors. She’s my #1 adventure buddy and I’m ecstatic (and maybe relieved?) that I’m called to marriage with her. It’s going to be so. much. fun.

What was the most helpful or powerful encouragement you have received during this journey?

I had a one-time coaching session with the mother of one of my best friends from college last year. We were talking about how I’m so affected by others’ opinions of me - especially my parents - and she asked, “What would happen if their opinions didn’t matter anymore?” I was like, "uh, but they do." Then suddenly, I found myself describing to her the life I’ve always wanted to live: one without shame or guilt or a bend toward the comfort of others at the expense of my authentic self. It was that day that I decided to start living that way.

Any particular resources you found helpful on your journey?

I read a lot of self-help books and books that made me feel validated, but nothing helped me stretch and grow more than Brene Brown’s “The Power of Vulnerability” and “The Gifts of Imperfection.” Those books gave me permission to honestly communicate my struggle and to love myself no matter what. That’s some seriously powerful stuff.

What do you wish now, a bit down the road, that you had known in the beginning of your journey?

I wish I had known that everything really is going to be okay. I wish I had known that suffering in silence is far worse than living out your struggle. I also wish I had known not to be so serious all the time and laugh a little more.

What have you learned about yourself from this experience?

Gosh, it’s been a decade of lessons, but the single most important and applicable thing I’ve learned is to shower people with grace. We’re called to love on people no matter their flaws or struggles or straight up sins. Lord knows it was the LOVE I felt through this process that helped me get to the other side.

What have you learned about your relationships (intimate and otherwise) from this experience?

I’ve learned that love is an act of giving and not a of taking. It’s a decision that you make in every relationship, every single day. The more you give love, the more love gives to you - it’s just the wildest thing.

What would you say to a woman currently questioning her sexuality who may be feeling conflicted or ashamed?

Girl, it’s OKAY! Take comfort in the wrestling match because it’s the only way we can get to truth. Surround yourself with people who love you and will support you, but also keep you from destructive behaviors as you explore your sexuality. And please, please be kind to yourself!

What would you say to a woman who is confident in her LGBTQ identity and is facing judgement, anger or hurtful opinions from others who may disagree?

From friends and family to church and meditation, lean heavily on your support system and the things that bring you the most joy. Continue to live a life that you’re proud of and remember that there is nothing more freeing than being your most authentic self. There will always be people who disagree with you - sift through their comments/feedback/opinions for constructive criticism and let the rest roll over and die.Kat, thank you so much for bravely sharing your story. Friends, if you'd like to celebrate Kat, please do so in the comments. Please remember that this series is intended to empower so all negative comments will be deleted. Kat has also so generously offered to be an ear for anyone who is struggling with their sexuality, especially those who are being told by the church that they are not worthy. If you need a friend, please email me for Kat's contact info. We're all in this together.